Do you ever open Instagram or LinkedIn, and within thirty seconds, go from feeling grounded to completely deflated? Someone’s just posted their morning run. Another’s announcing a promotion. Someone else is in Bali. And even though your own life is full, busy, and meaningful, that quiet little voice whispers: She’s ahead. I should be further along by now. 

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone, and there’s a reason this happens. Comparison isn’t just emotional. It’s neurological. Our brains are literally wired to measure ourselves against others. But while comparison may be natural, staying stuck in it doesn’t have to be.

So let's unpack why comparison hits harder in midlife, what it does to our confidence and happiness, and how to break free from it so you can find peace in your own lane again.

Why Comparison Feels So Intense in Midlife 

For many women in their forties and beyond, life is full, but it’s also complex. We’re juggling work, family, ageing parents, relationships, changing hormones, and the sense that time suddenly feels more precious. It’s easy to scroll through highlight reels and wonder: Am I doing enough? Am I where I should be? 

And it’s not just social media. We compare our homes, our bodies, our parenting, even our energy levels. But here’s what’s really happening underneath: Comparison activates the striatum, the part of the brain responsible for social ranking and reward. It’s a leftover survival mechanism from when our ancestors needed to know where they stood in the tribe to stay safe.

The problem? Our modern “tribe” is now thousands of curated highlight reels — filtered, polished, and often not the full story. Every scroll gives us a quick dopamine hit, followed by a crash. That’s why we keep checking again and again, even though it never leaves us feeling better.

When Comparison and Self-Doubt Collide

Let’s be real, even those of us who teach this stuff still wrestle with it. I’m a mindset coach of 20 years, and just this week, I caught myself comparing again. To another mum who seemed endlessly patient with her kids. To a friend who’s always so organised. To another coach who looked like she had it all together. And yes… even to Mel Robbins. There I was, thinking, What’s the point of me podcasting? Mel’s already said it all, and said it brilliantly. 

But then I remembered: There’s only one Mel Robbins. And there’s only one me. And maybe there’s just one woman out there who needs to hear my version of a message today - in my voice, in my way. That’s when I came back to my why. 

Finding My Why (and Why Yours Matters Too)

Like everyone else in New Zealand earlier this month, my husband and I were daydreaming - what if we won that $40 million Lotto?

And it hit me: sure, I’d take a holiday somewhere sunny, but I’d still come back to coaching. Because this work doesn’t just light me up -  it anchors me. I love the conversations that go beneath the surface. The moments where someone says out loud what they’ve never said before. The privilege of walking beside people as they quiet the noise, find their strength again, and start creating lives that feel like theirs. 

Not everyone will work with me one-to-one, but through podcasting and social media, I can reach that one woman who needs a reminder that she’s capable, she’s doing better than she thinks, and she’s not alone. And yes, I still have days where the voice in my head says, You’ve got nothing worth saying, so don’t say anything.  But those are the days I remind myself that showing up in the mess is part of the message.

How to Rewire Your Brain for Peace, Not Comparison

Breaking the comparison habit isn’t about deleting Instagram or pretending you don’t care.

It’s about gently retraining your attention and finding reward in authenticity, not approval.

Here’s where to start:

 1) Focus on your wins. When you catch yourself comparing, pause and name three things you’re proud of today, not someday. It helps your brain shift from lack to sufficiency.

2) Curate what you consume. Protect your peace. If certain accounts or conversations consistently leave you feeling “less than,” mute, unfollow, or step away. You don’t owe anyone access to your mental energy.

3) Turn comparison into inspiration. Here’s where I love Mel Robbins’ perspective: comparison can either show you what you lack or what’s possible.

One of my clients decided to do a fortnight--long 'comparison detox'. Every time she caught herself thinking, "She’s doing better than me", she replaced it with, "She’s showing me what’s possible for me too.  By the end of the fortnight, she said, “I don’t feel behind anymore, I feel hopeful.”

That’s the neuroscience of growth. When you connect positive emotion with inspiration, your brain’s mirror neurons light up in ways that motivate, not diminish. Because someone else’s light doesn’t dim yours - it simply shows you where you might want to shine next.

Coming Back to Your Lane

Authenticity isn’t found in the highlight reel. It’s found in the everyday moments when you live in alignment with your values.

You’ll know you’re back in your lane when you feel grounded, not grasping. When you can celebrate someone else’s success without losing sight of your own. When you stop performing for approval and start creating from truth.

Because there’s no finish line to enough. There’s only now. 

Final Thoughts

So next time comparison creeps in, pause and ask yourself: What is this moment showing me about what I value? Then turn your attention back inward -  to your work, your growth, your joy. Because the magic happens not when we try to be like anyone else, but when we remember that no one else could ever be us 💛